Shame Residue

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable…If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.” -Brene Brown

Everyone experiences shame, from small embarrassing moments to traumatic experiences like physical, sexual, emotional and/or spiritual abuse.  Shame is as normal as joy, yet has a much more harmful residue in our soma* than joy does. If not healed, it burrows deep down inside of us where nobody can see it, where we (subconsciously) think we can keep it tamed.

*I use soma to reference something more in depth than just the physical body; it includes the mind, the spirit that takes form within the body, as well as the relationship to others and the energies beyond the physical.  

In situations where there has been harm, the person or people who are harmed experience shame, as do the person/people who caused the harm, but it shows up differently. My experience has shown me that shame within the person/people who cause harm is pushed much farther down into the subconscious because it’s too ugly to face.  When there aren’t mechanisms in place to help people navigate true accountability, it can feel unbearable to look at, so it gets covered up with protective shields. Examples of these shields are shaming or blaming others (projection), substance abuse, “fragility” around certain topics in which the shame is connected to, psychosomatic symptoms such as anxiety or depression, or physical ailments such as heart conditions, cancer or kidney issues.      

In this country (and in much of the world), there hasn’t been true accountability and healing from the deep harms that the myth of white supremacy and the myth of male dominance has caused.  It has left scars, covered up with mass amounts of social privilege, but scars nonetheless. Underneath the scars are layers of shame and insecurities. The discomfort of facing into this shame can push it deep down into the psyche and impact behavior and emotional well being. The ancestors who haven’t done their healing work, their accountability work, their self-forgiveness work have passed this unhealed shame to their descendents.  It’s told through stories, songs, behaviors and mannerisms. These stories and memories are usually pushed down into our subconscious, into the places where shame lives; in the dark corners of our minds that we don’t allow people to see, for fear of being seen as racist or sexist.

These few short clips catch a glimpse of the places shame has landed in these men.  As we watch these videos, if you’re white, or male identified, or both, I encourage you to notice what your immediate reactions to this video are.  Do you have any defensiveness showing up? Do you want to distance yourself from the things that were said? Do you relate to any of the stories shared?  Do you hold shame in your body that is related to race or gender privilege? How does it manifest in your body or in your relationship to others? Does it hold you back from anything?  What might be possible if you were able to let the shame out and heal it?

If you’re not white, what are the thoughts and reactions you have to watching these clips? Should white people be engaged in healing work? What might be possible if true and deep healing happens? What might be on the other side of it?